


Stuck in the middle with you

by Kucherovsbitch



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Coping Mechanisms, Hurt/Comfort, Kuch - Freeform, M/M, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, Stammer, Tampa Bay Lightning, bolts - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kucherovsbitch/pseuds/Kucherovsbitch
Summary: "but out of all of them... the worst one, it was you. I seen you get hurt because of me, and I couldn’t do anything. But it wasn’t ever losing everything else that scared me, Stammer. It was losing you.”Nikita sighed, staring at Steven’s peaceful face, his very beautiful face. “Not that I ever had you in the first place, so how do I lose something I never had?” He laughed again, even though there was a pain in his heart too sharp to bear. “Isn’t that ironic? Nikita Kucherov can have almost anything he wants if he asks. Everything except the one thing he wants more than anything else.”He paused.(Maybe, one day, Nikita will tell Steven that, and maybe, he'll be awake to hear it.)
Relationships: Steven Stamkos & Nikita Kucherov, Steven Stamkos/ Nikita Kucherov
Kudos: 18
Collections: Kuch and Stammer





	Stuck in the middle with you

**Author's Note:**

> There is some heavy angst in here, just a warning in advance if you haven’t read the tags.

“I thought I picked Vasi when we were asked who we wanted to bunk with,” Nikita said, walking into the small room he now had to share with none other than Steven Stamkos. Mr. Big, Blonde, and Beautiful, himself.   
“Something tells me he’s happier with Sergy today, I hear you’ve been in a mood.” Steven’s shoulders were tight as he made his way into the room. It was a one bedded hotel room in Toronto, apparently even Toronto hotels messed up on small details.  
“Eh, I could’ve been civilised.” Nikita shrugged his shoulders, sliding his hands into his pockets.   
Steven raised an eyebrow. “When did you learn to just switch your moods off?”  
“You’re not the only one with secrets, Steve.”   
Steven sighed. “Kuch, I don’t want to argue with you. Especially when neither of us have a place to go afterwards.”   
Nikita watched him as he pulled his case into the room, leaning it up against the wall, and then began to take off his hoodie and t-shirt. The minute he saw Steven’s back he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He didn’t get his voice back until the captain stripped down his boxers. “What’re you doing?”   
Steven turned around, and holy shit, Nikita felt the blood rushing south immediately. “Do you expect me to sleep with my clothes on?”  
“If it keeps you on your own side of the bed, please,” Nikita turned around, trying to play it off casually.   
“I’ll sleep on the floor if it bothers you.”   
Nikita pulled off his sweatpants and shirt as well. “Don’t confuse me for an idiot, Nikita. Just remember not everyone was raised the same way as you were.”   
“Sounds like a great time to me,” Nikita said, throwing him a wink. Nikita smiled as he noticed the way Steven’s entire body, from his chest to his ears, turned a shade of pink. “Oh, you definitely have Russian blood.”  
Steven gave him a confused look and Nikita just widened his grin and gestured to him. “You just turned pink like every Russian does when they step outside on a winter day.”   
“I’m going to bed,” Steven said once he realized what Nikita was saying. He walked over to the bed. He scooted close to the edge, giving Nikita as much room as possible.” His shoulders stayed tense as he laid down and curled up as tight as he could.   
Nikita hesitated before getting into bed behind him. He noticed Steven’s shoulders grow even tenser. Biting his lip, Nikita laid on his back, debating on whether or not he should try to say anything. “I don’t take up that much room, you know.”   
“I know,” Steven said, still not moving. “You’re smaller than me kuch.”   
Nikita blinked, trying to figure out if he actually heard Steve say that. “I’m sorry, did you just call me small? You can’t talk at one stage you were 4 foot nothing and the wind could have blown you over.”  
“Whatever, Kuch,” Steven said, though his voice sounded far from cold. He sounded amused even. His shoulders were just as tense.   
“Are you really not going to budge?”   
“Goodnight, Kuch.”   
“I’m just saying that I don’t bite. Unless you want me to.”   
The captain didn’t laugh.   
“What was your little vision about sharing a bed with me? You’ve heard the stories. They probably scare you, right? Is that why you don’t want to tell me? Because it was about me?” Nikita really didn’t think it had a thing to do with him or the fact he got nightmares at times, but he thought it was the only way to get the Canadian to crack. Just keep picking at him until he explodes.   
“Why do you insist that I saw something?” Steven almost whispered.   
“Because we all saw something. Even I’ll admit that. And I know you saw something. I’m just wondering why you weren’t phased by it.”  
“Sorry I’m not as emotionally weak as you thought I’d be,” Steven snapped, his lighthearted tone completely gone.   
“I’m not saying you’re weak.” Nikita sighed, turning on his side to face Steven even though he was still facing away. “I don’t understand why you’re so intent on hiding it.”   
Steven finally shifted on his side to face him too. He didn’t look surprised to see Nikita facing him. “I don’t know why you care so much about what I’ve seen.”   
Steven was back on his other side, facing the wall.   
Nikita sighed heavily. He knew the conversation was over, but he still wondered what the hell the captain had dealt with in his past. It didn’t make sense. Steven had always been the perfect captain . Not even the strongest winds could shake him. At least, that’s the kind of poetic the whole league painted about Captain Steven Stamkos.   
And that was either true, that not even the worst nightmares from his own imagination could make him waver. Or he was so done with something from his past that it shut him down.   
Nikita wasn’t sure which was worse.   
He wasn’t one to give up, but he knew when to desist temporarily. So he stopped bugging Steven for the night. Just for the night. The captain seemed to welcome the quiet because not before long, he was sound asleep.   
Nikita only knew that because finally, his shoulders were relaxed, and of course, the snores. They were quiet and broke through the silence only every few minutes, but they were still loud enough to keep Nikita from falling asleep. Not that he minded.   
It reminded him of his younger days when he’d spend his nights falling asleep to Gusev’s snores coming from the bed across the room from him.   
Except the goose’ snores were loud and nowhere near as cute as Steven’s sounded. Nikita turned back to face Steven, unable to believe those words even crossed his mind. Never in a million years did he ever think he’d call anyone’s snores cute and mean it.   
But here he was. And there the captain was.   
Together but a million miles apart in every distance except physical.   
“What am I gonna do with you, Stammer?”  
Probably let him fill his mind and heart, keeping it all contained, never breathing a word about it to him. He’d close his eyes and that was as close as he was ever going to get to having the other man. Because Steven didn’t completely trust him, he didn’t fully trust anyone other than Heddy, or it at least seemed that way. Even if his intentions were only for the best, he didn’t think it would ever be enough for the Captain.  
Nikita knew that. He wouldn’t ever want someone like Nikita. Even if he did, Steven deserved better.   
“Maybe that’s why I want to know what you saw so badly,” Nikita whispered. “Maybe if I saw the bad in you...your worst...I’d see something that would show me that I have a chance. Make me feel just a little less crappy about myself.”   
Nikita watched the way his chest rose and fell as he continued to sleep, unaware of the poetic Nikita was now waxing.   
“You’re...the most infuriating man I’ve ever met, Steven Stamkos. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on.” Nikita chuckled into the night. “But you’re more than that and I still don’t understand. I doubt I ever will. You’re perfect in every sense of the word. You don’t even have a bad dream to hide from. Me...I’ve got so many of them, it’s hard to even talk about them. "but out of all of them... the worst one, it was you. I seen you get hurt because of me, and i couldn’t do anything. But it it wasn’t ever losing everything else that scared me, Stammer. It was losing you.”   
Nikita sighed, staring at Steven’s peaceful face, his very beautiful face. “Not that I ever had you in the first place, so how do I lose something I never had?” He laughed again, even though there was a pain in his heart too sharp to bear. “Isn’t that ironic? Nikita Kucherov can have almost anything he wants if he asks. Everything except the one thing he wants more than anything else.”  
He paused.  
“That’s you, Stammer.”  
He paused again, this time holding his breath.   
Then he cleared his throat. “You know, this is usually the part where the love interest opens their eyes, having been pretending to sleep, and revealing that they heard the emotionally compromised protagonist pour out their heart and soul.”   
Steven was silent. Not even a snore.  
“Yeah. I didn’t think so either.”   
Nikita rolled over and was intent on not staring on Steven while he slept anymore. He only had his own eyes shut a moment before a whimper had him snapping them open again. It was so quiet, he almost thought he imagined it. So he stayed still, waiting until he heard it again. And when he did, he rolled over and sat up.   
the captain was laying on his back, one hand gripping the blanket covering him, and the other was pressed against his mouth. It was almost like he was trying to silence his cries even in his unconsciousness.   
“Stammer...hey. Wake up.” Nikita kept his hands to himself, avoiding touching him.   
Steven whimpered again, kicking his feet now. His head snapped to the other side of the pillow and his hand could no longer muffle his cries. His shout was wordless, but it was raw, and it was enough to wake himself up.   
Nikita could only watch as Steven shot up in bed, choked on another cry, and struggled to maintain his breathing. He was leaning over his legs that were now crossed, making him look so small and so big at the same time.   
Steven had done this before, Nikita knew it. He knew by the way he was able to regulate his breathing fairly easy with a practiced technique. It took a minute for Nikita’s ears to figure out what he was saying, but when they did, it was the only thing he could hear.   
“--my legs, my blanket, the light shining through the window.” His hands fumbled until they grabbed onto the blanket again and then trailed along his body as he voiced everything he touched. “The blanket, my shirt, my collar bone, my cheeks.”   
Nikita had never used this coping mechanism himself, his anxiety never got this bad. But he’d seen it before, though now he couldn’t place where.   
Steven continued on, his eyes were closed again, but he was much calmer. “My voice, the crickets outside, Nikita’s heart…”   
“Can you distinguish my heart from other hearts or are you just assuming it’s mine since I’m the only other person in the room?”  
Nikita shouldn’t have done that because he should have known Steven didn’t know he was awake. And well, of course, he did know that really because there was no way Steven would be so vulnerable.   
Steven jumped, he almost fell out of the bed as his back hit the headboard. His eyes were blown wide and his breathing was picking up again. “K-Kuch.”   
“That’s me, stevie.” Nikita cursed himself after the words left his mouth. Steven was hurting. He was trying to pull himself out of an anxiety inducing nightmare, and Nikita was being a sarcastic asshole because he couldn’t function emotionally.   
“I didn’t know-- I’m sorry-- If I woke you. I didn’t--.” Steven shook his head, giving up on forming on any kid of sentence.   
“Hey, don’t worry,” Nikita softened his voice. “I was already awake.”   
Steven nodded, looking anywhere but Nikita’s face. Then he was taking the blanket off of himself and going to crawl out of the bed. Nikita grabbed his arm before he could and Steven’s head whipped to stare at his hand. Nikita pulled it back. “Sorry-- I’m sorry.”   
Steven didn’t look back up at him, but he didn’t move away again.   
“Where are you going?” Nikita asked, trying not to startle the captain again.   
“I’ll leave you be.”   
“And go where? Sleep in the hallway? Don’t be stupid, Stammer. You’re not bothering me.” Nikita wanted to grab his hand and pull him back to bed. “Please lay back down.”   
“I’m not going to bed,” Steven said quickly. “I’m fine. It’s time for me to start the day anyway.”   
Nikita stared at him with a ridiculous expression on his face. “Start the day? It’s barely 3am, Stammer. Not even the roosters are up yet.”   
“I don’t want to sleep,” Steven said quietly, pulling his knees up to his chest.   
Nikita nodded his head, even though Steven couldn’t see him. “That’s fine. Sleeping is usually the last thing I do anyway, it’s hard for me to fall asleep.”   
Steve squeezed his eyes shut, and when he spoke, his voice cracked, “Please don’t make any kind of joke. Not right now.”   
Nikita cleared his throat. “Right. Okay. Don’t be an asshole.” He would have made a joke to lighten the mood, but this wasn’t really a mood lightening situation.  
Steven was silent again. Nikita missed his snores, when he was peacefully sleeping.   
“What? No, ‘You’re not an asshole, Kuch.’?” Nikita paused a moment. “Right. No joking.” He wasn’t sure what else to do. If Steven was asleep, he could act like a normal human being with a soul, but the moment, he was awake, he couldn’t even last two minutes.   
“I saw something,” The captain said after a long moment of awkward silence. “And now you have the proof that I didn’t come out of it alright.” “I’m sorry,” Nikita said earnestly. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”   
“No,” Steven said. “I’m glad you did.” He was too busy staring down at the blanket wrapped around himself to notice the confusion on Nikita’s face. “Sometimes I feel so out of place. Everyone I knew...they’re then, and sometimes, I lose myself trying to go back to the era of hockey I started out in.”   
Nikita wondered if he had seen something from his past, before the NHL.  
“I don’t belong there though. Not anymore. Things didn’t stop changing when I went came into the league and stepped onto the ice. And now that I’m here as long as I am...I didn't feel like I belong here. Not until you came along and made me feel like someone in the league that isn't Victor would care about me. You made me feel like I'm needed as the captain, like I can keep up with the pace everything is moving at now”   
“Of course,” Nikita said, begging himself not to mess this up when Steven was the one pouring his heart out.   
“You made this place feel like a real home outside of victor being here, and I can never thank you enough for that.” He finally looked back up, and Nikita couldn’t believe his eyes were teary. He’d never seen him cry. “And maybe one day...I’ll be able to tell you what I seen. I want to, but…”   
Nikita didn’t let him finish. “No. It’s fine. Take your time. Don’t push yourself.”   
Steven nodded his head once and then shifted on the bed. “Thank you.”   
“Do you want me to go? Would you feel more comfortable having the bed to yourself?” Nikita couldn’t promise he’d be able to keep from touching him in his sleep. “I can take a pillow and sheet to the carpet.”   
“No,” Steven said quickly. “Can you--stay here. Please?”  
“Of course,” Nikita said again, laying back down and getting comfortable again. He didn’t rush the captain or pressure him; he shut his eyes and waited for Steven to follow him in a horizontal position.   
Steven shifted in bed for a moment before he settled.   
Nikita smiled. “Goodnight, Stammer.”   
“Goodnight, Kuch.” Steven’s soft voice was followed by his fingers brushing against Nikita’s once so he could probably play it off as an accident if he wanted to.   
But Nikita reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. Steven held back tight and Nikita didn’t let go. He peaked an eye open after a few moments, so Steven wouldn’t see him staring and he smiled at the captain, caressing his hand gently with his thumb.   
Maybe one day he’d tell him how he felt again, and hopefully, that time, he’d be awake.


End file.
